Years ago, before I was married, I remember sitting in chapel at seminary and praying that God would give me a husband who would challenge me, a man who would push me to be a better person and not to be a complacent one.
My husband has been my challenger.
If there is anything in my life that he has been, steadily and assuredly, before and throughout our marriage, he has been there for me, supportive of me, and challenged me. He has pushed me to be a better person. To make the difficult decisions that are required to walk the narrow path. He has challenged me at every turn to be a better me. And I am. Eleven years after we committed ourselves to one another, I am a better person than I was. I am better this year than last, and better today than yesterday. Because he challenges me, pushes me, guides me. He helps me work through my problems and issues without just giving me the answers or telling me what to do. He is my sounding board when I vent, unbiasedly looking at the issue at hand and my feelings surrounding it, and helping me to dissect it to understand it better, ultimately helping me to understand myself better. He showed me that I can be that person that I know I can be, that I imagine in my mind but seems impossible to attain by putting in the work and investing in myself.
Because of my husband, I am at peace. And I'm happy where I am, and despite everything we've gone through. He has helped me find peace more than any religion, book, or philosophy. He has been there through all ups and downs, when I've measured up and when I've fallen short. He has stretched me for the betterment of me. And so often at his expense. He has felt the pain of betrayal, the hurt of anger, lies, and explosive uncontrolled emotions, and the ignorance of keeping the vow I promised all those years ago. I don't (and have never) assumed to attain perfection in our marriage. But there were so many times I took the easy way out, the way of the least personal resistance and accountability, and he was the one who bore the consequences of my choices. But his love for me is so very strong that he has continued to challenge me so that I - the one who doesn't deserve the love that he gives to me - become better. And for that I am so grateful and will always be grateful.
His persistence at holding me accountable in my journey (even when I have asked for it and then later fought against it whilst trying to get the result I want without doing the work that is required for it) helps me be a better mom to my kids. So I can raise my kids to be better people. Because as parents, our only job is just that -- if, at the end, our children turned out better than us and have been an improvement on the world, we can call it a success. And because of my husband, my kids are going to turn out better than me and will have a leg up on life. My husband bears the consequences of my bad decisions and, in turn, helps improve his children with the rewards of my good decisions.
And so I am inspired by my husband. I do my best to imitate him everyday. To go back, to resubmit myself to the continual challenge, to choose again and again the best decision to help me be the best person I can be. To be as selfless and stoic as he is in the face of constant and agonizing pain. I see his strength and resolve as he chooses his wife and children and what is best for them over how he feels. To give his children memories. To be the best dad he can be. It is why his son said that when he grows up and has children of his own, the only thing he will never do is not try his hardest to be the best dad he can possibly be to his kids. Because he is inspired by his dad and all he wants to do is imitate his dad. More and more, I see our little girl wanting to be like her mommy. I want her to grow up to be a woman who is selfless, endlessly loving, kind to all, resolute and self-disciplined. And so everyday, I try to imitate that someone who is all of those things - her dad. Our son will be better for imitating his father. And his daughter? He inspires me to be a better person so that she will be a better person.
